Nu even serieus

Osho wist dat we allemaal in slaap waren gesukkeld en ofwel aan het dromen waren, ofwel in nachtmerries vastzaten. Hoe ons wakker te krijgen? Hij had daarvoor verschillende methodes, maar een ervan was het vertellen van ‘jokes’. Daarover was hij heel serieus.
Eens zei hij daarover: ‘All my efforts here, sutras or jokes, are nothing but means to wake you. Sometimes a joke can wake you up more easily than a serious sutra, because listening to a serious sutra you tend to fall deeper into sleep; it is so serious that you can’t be awakened by it. But a joke is so light, that you don’t want to miss it; you listen attentively.
And between the jokes I go on dropping a few dangerous things into your head - just small bombs, between the jokes. Just remember to take the jokes seriously and the remainder you leave to me: the remainder I will do.

Osho in: Tao - The Golden gate, Vol 1.

Daarom nu even serieus:

Pope the Polack hears that a certain lady in Ireland has just produced her sixteenth child, so he sends Cardinal Catsass to grant her his blessing.
When he meets the lady, Catsass is disgusted to learn that she is not a Catholic.
“Do you mean to say,” he cries, “that I have come all this way to meet a sex-mad protestant?”

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Pope the Polack arrives at New Delhi airport, on the first leg of his ten-million-dollar Catholic mission to the East. The Polack steps off the plane and immediately falls to his knees weeping, and then kisses the runway.
Cardinal Singh, the head of the Indian Catholic church, rushes up to the Polack pope and helps him to his feet.
“My goodness, Holy Father!” cries the cardinal. “Why did you do that?”
“Well,” says the Polack, wiping his lips, and drying his eyes, “have you ever flown Air India?”

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Pope the Polack feels a little strange, so he walks into Doctor Snuffit’s office and asks the doctor to give him a checkup. After a complete examination, Snuffit tells the papal Polack that he is suffering from “HAGS”.
“HAGS!” cries Pope the Polack, in alarm. “What is HAGS?”
“It is herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea and syphilis all combined,” replies Snuffit.
“Holy Virgin Mary!” shrieks the pope. “Is there any cure for that?”
“I don’t think so,” replies Snuffit; “but I am going to put you on a special diet, and put you in a special room for observation.”
“What kind of special diet?” asks the Polack pope, trembling.
“Pancakes and flatfish,” replies Snuffit.
“That’s a bit weird,” says the Polack patient. “Why pancakes and flatfish?”
“Well,” explains Snuffit, “they are the only things we can fit under the door!”

*********

The Polack pope died and went to heaven …

It is a story of the future, because this Polack pope seems to be very slow to die. Popes ordinarily have died within an average of one or two years at the most because by the time they becomes popes, they are always around the age of seventy-five, seventy-eight. And they must have been hoping that this Polack would also die - but they don’t know Polacks.

He has completely forgotten about dying; and he is enjoying his popehood so greatly - no other pope has ever done such things. He is continuously touring around the world, and the Vatican is getting into debt: nine million dollars he has spent on traveling. The last time he went to Australia, just two days before him the British queen had also gone to Australia. More money was spent on the pope’s visit to Australia than on that of the queen of England. And these are the people who say: “Blessed are the poor.”

…But finally, the Polack pope died and went to heaven with pomp an circumstance. At the pearly gates, Saint Peter stopped him and said, “Hey, you can’t walk in just like that. Who are you?”
The pope answered, “Well, I am your very own representative on earth. I am the pope.”
Saint Peter said, “Pope? My representative? I have never heard of you.”
The pope, puzzled, said, “Ah, just tell God I am here. He will tell you to let me in.”
God answered, “Never heard of him.”
The pope said, “Strange, but ask Jesus. He knows me.”
Saint Peter yelled, “Hey, sonny. There is a guy here says he is the pope. You know him?”
Jesus answered, “No.”
Saint Peter said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in. Nobody around here knows you.”
The pope said, “You can’t turn me away like this. I am the pope himself. Ask the Holy Ghost. He knows me for sure.
Saint Peter yelled again, “Hey, spook! A guy here claims you know him. Says he is the pope.”
And the Holy Ghost shouted, “The pope, sure I know him. He is the guy that spread those dirty rumors about me and Mary. Kick him out of here.”

*********

I have heard the pope died, and went to heaven. Saint Peter asked him whom among the saints he would like to meet.
“Saint Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ” said the pope.
Saint Peter leads him into a palatial hall. There in a far corner sits an old Jewish lady. The pope approaches her reverently, and sinks to his knees.
“Oh, holy mother of God,” he says “all my life on earth I have been looking forward to this blessed moment. There is one question I want to ask you: What was it like to give birth to our Lord Jesus Christ?
The old lady wags her head and smiles. “Well, actually we wanted a girl.”

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Chiang Kai-shek, 90 years old, was being interviewed by an American reporter from NEWSWEEK.
"And when was the last time you had an election, General?" the reporter asked.
Chiang Kai-shek winked and said, "Just before bleakfast."

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Gorgeous Gloria goes into a bank and asks the clerk for change of a one hundred dollar bill.
She hands over the note but the clerk takes one look at it and says,
"I'm sorry, Miss, but this one hundred dollar bill is a fake."
"Oh, my God!" cries Gloria, "I've been raped."

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Edgar and Louisa Snodgrass are Christian missionaries in Africa. They have been taken prisoner by the local cannibal tribe and are standing in a huge cauldron filled with water. Both are frightened beyond belief.
Suddenly, Edgar starts giggling.
"What on earth are you laughing about at a time like this?" Louisa asks, in shock.
"Those bastards don't know it yet," Edgar snickers, "but I just pissed in their soup."

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Miss Johnson, the English teacher, says "Today we are going to do definitions. When you define something, you say what it is. Now, Wesley, will you define 'unaware'?"
Wesley replies "It's the last thing I take off at night!"

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Paddy is reading in a science magazine that cigarette smoking has been known to cause cancer in rats and mice.
This moves him greatly, so that night when he goes to bed he locks his cigarettes in the cupboard where the rats and mice can't get at them.

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